Stupid People - Week 1

I had planned to dedicate one blog per week on the escapades of those adorable small-brained humans that I affectionately call, "STUPID PEOPLE". I had also thought that I'd post them on the weekends because it's such easy writing that it wouldn't take too much of my own brain power. I don't much like to think any time, but Saturdays and Sundays are reserved for idling the intellect. However, while reading the paper this morning, I encountered a moronic marvel that had to be saluted today.

I swear I have not read the "doctor's column" in years, but by some dumb luck I read it today. Some poor soul (G.R.) wrote in about his girlfriend. She was 57 years old and was urinating 20 times an hour. It didn't mention that she was making it to a flushing machine every 3 minutes, but we'll hope that was the case. He then went on to ask if it was normal for her to consume four 32 ounce bottles of wine each day. I'm not kidding... (It is a self-imposed rule that I will never lie about the victims of my STUPID PEOPLE blog.) We have at least three major issues presented about this woman. #1 - She pees... like a racehorse. #2 - She drinks... heavily. #3 - She's having a relationship with a 9 year-old.

Honestly, what adult male would have to write (and I congratulate G.R. for being able to put his little thoughts on paper or onto the keyboard) a doctor to question these habits? What would make you believe a woman going to the bathroom more times a hour than she blinks in the same amount of time is the least bit normal?? Is it possible that she works in a woman's washroom like Kramer's mom, Babs? I imagine pissing 160 times during a night shift there wouldn't be noticed as much...

Now... about the drinking problem. This fellow says his GFF (for the text kids out there) consumes the equivalent of 16 cans of wine per day. Assuming that this lush sleeps a good 10 hours a day and a "glass" is 4 ounces, my math skills tell me that while she's awake, Miss Teetotaler drinks 2 glasses of "grape juice" per hour although if she's also peeing in a toilet once every 3 minutes we would have to adjust our numbers to... are you ready? One glass of wine every 20 minutes of her waking life!!! "Is this normal?", he asks. There's another issue that he did not bring up. This woman must really stink, too. You can't tell me she makes it to the john every time and even when she does it's after running frantically with at least one goblet of wine with her spilling all over the place. And is the writer going to tell us she holds her food down all of time? She sounds like a real keeper!

From the letter, it appears the final straw for the boyfriend is that she's starting to drink before she goes to work... Yep, the Bladder Bomber does have a job! Now I'm wondering who the true idiot is - the boyfriend, the old woman or the HR guy who hired her. Who hires someone that leaves the interview 10 times or who wears one of those baseball hats with two red straws going into her mouth? Let's see... Where can you work when you're drunk most of the time, take breaks whenever you want and blend in perfectly with the rest of your coworkers???